REALLY???

My friend Sally and I have said this a million times to each other.  It is always said with a smile and often a giggle as well.  Sometime, it is barely able to be said through the laughter and rolling tears that accompany the belly laughter.  Really??  It's the declaration that whatever is to come next is absurd, ridiculous, preposterous, outrageous and we have to share it.  We have to share it right now and with each other! 
It's awesome to have a Really? friend to call. 
Lately, it seems like I kind of live in REALLY? land.  My work with the public has me often saying REALLY?  My parenting experience has more REALLY? moments as the kids get older.  And my wifing, well... REALLY???? hahahhaha 

Each time this word comes into my day, I smile, I laugh and I enjoy it.  I think that God plans it that way for me.  REALLY!!

I talk to the radio

I drive.  I drive to work in the morning, home in the evening, around the village at lunch just for the scenery.  I drive kids back and forth to and from their friends' homes, church events and school activities.  I drive to the grocery stor, mall, office supply store and of course the dollar store.  I drive out to dinner, breakfast on the weekends and yes, to lunch as well.  I drive.  I don't care to be a passenger.  I like to drive.   Passengers change with the task.  Often times my daughter is with me, my husband on occasion and less and less my son, who now has also become a driver.  I drive friends or kids of friends or friends of my kids.  Where I travel changes as well.  Sometimes a short errand sometimes a long journey.  But... I drive.  The connection always is my radio.  I have my radio set to a family friendly radio station that can be heard by anyone who happens to be in my car.  I don't worry about inappropriate language or off color humor.  The radio station engages me in a very real sort of way.  I'm not sure if it's because I ride with them every morning on my way to work or if it is because they are asking and I feel the need to help.  But, while I'm driving... I talk to the radio!!  Is that weird??  They have people who call in with dilemas that they need answers to, I answer them!  They have contests that people call into win, I answer those!  Sometimes though, I just feel like they need to hear a piece of my wisdom.  So, I call in.  Then I start rehearsing!   I run over in my head what I'm going to say.  I say it again and again.  the phone is ringing.  I say it again just to be sure it sounds all right.  the phone is answered.  I use my "radio calm voice" and tell my story.  Then... I forget what I was going to say.  REALLY!  It doesn't seem important anymore.  It isn't as profound as I had thought, just seconds before hand.  It seems that once it comes out of my mouth it is gone.  Disappearing both in memory and in importance.  So now, as I drive I talk to the radio.  Just the radio.  I quit calling in, I decided that if I can keep the profoundness alive just a little bit longer, I will.  Then, I will share it with my blog.

What to do NOW?

I am here... at my job... waiting for the phone to ring or the email to ding or the office girls to sing or... just about anything!!  There is nothing to do!  I am to be here for at least 2 more hours and there is nothing to work on.  I am customer service so if there aren't any customers to serve, I am in ?????????????  what happens in the void of customer service?  I have spent time of facebook.  I have visited others but don't want to be gone too long in case, just in case there is a customer afoot that I could serve.  So far, no luck.  I have talked with 4 customers all day.  I have been here for 7 hours so far, 4 customers served.  Check!  NOW WHAT???  I am not used to waiting.  I usually have a project or 2 or 10 to work on.  I usually have an idea of what is coming down the pike so that I can get started on it.  I usually... have a job I love doing and do it well.  Ahhhh  here we go again, me missing my old job.  See how it just creeps up on me like that?  I miss messing around with Jordan or even more, me and Jordan messing around with Rhonda!  I miss the frequent interruptions.  I miss the comfortableness of knowing what to do next without someone having to tell me.  I miss being creative and thinking into the future. 
God, you put me here.  I really don't know why.  I am not loving it.  Is this really what you had in mind?  What should I be thinking about?  What should I be learning?  What should I be talking about?  What should I do now?
I love you, I'll be patient.  Please hurry.
Marie

Day 3

OK GOD!
I am here, almost ready for another day.  I ask you now for strength.  I ask you now for nerves that won't fray.  I ask you for humor in the day and peace in my soul.  I only have half a day.  Thank you for letting me spend the afternoon with Sydney.  She is such a bright spot in my world.  Thank you for giving her to me even though I didn't even know I wanted a girl.  Thank you for giving her such a sweet spirit and intuitive mind.  Please give us some special time together today.  I hope that we're going to be able to help Greg and his family.  Please open doors for us to talk about the non profit and how to fund it.  Use us well today.
I love you!  Thanks for coming with me to work today.  STAY CLOSE!!  I'm going to need you!
Marie

First Day

Today is the first day of my new job.  It's not a career - yet.  It's a job.  I am working for money and benefits.  I have no vested interest in this.  I feel like I am selling out.  I could be using my time so much better!  Couldn't I ?  At least I am being a partner for my family and helping with the benefits.  At least I have something to do during the day.  At least I have some income.  At least, that's where I am now, the least.

God,
Thank you for providing this place for me.  Thank you for giving me something to keep me busy.  Please use me, today... tomorrow... soon!!
Marie

Remember Me?

I am feeling very selfish today.  I am soaking in self pity justified by having a panic attack at church this morning.  I took my medication and my nap and now I am going to write it all down.  I hope that this will help work itself out of me and help me think about it later to see what I was thinking and how I have grown.  That doesn't mean that these feelings are not justified, just that I hope to grow from this.

Paul,
Hi, remember me?
My name is Marie.
I used to be a part of your family.
I used to be someone who was faithful to you.
I used to be directed by the decisions you made.
I looked up to you.
I stuck up for you.
I chose to follow you as a leader.
I tried to help others understand that you are compassionate.
I prayed for you regularly as a preacher.
I prayed for you regularly as Susie was healing.
I stopped you to ask how she was doing.
I prayed for you regularly as you traveled to India.
I prayed, and therefore I was invested in you and cared for you.
I didn't bother you with phone calls or emails, I knew you were too busy.
I didn't chat you up in the hallways, I knew there were people who needed to talk to you more than I did.
I was in your "family"
Now I'm not.
Have you noticed?
I am doing OK in case you wondered.
I still pray for you.
Do you pray for me?  - I need it!
Have you noticed that I'm gone?
You once said to me that things wouldn't be the same at Green without me, are they?
I am Marie.
I worked with you and for you.  I honored you and your decisions.  I cared about you and your family.
Do you remember me?
I am not there anymore.
Have you noticed?

Not quite yet

I don't quite have the hang of this blog thing yet.  I am not really trying to learn though.  Every now and then I just type myself a note... kinda.

I am still struggling a bit through this unemployment cycle I am in.  I have interviewed twice with a company that seems like they would love to have me work there.  Another meeting set for this coming Wednesday will surely have more answers? I hope so.  One side of it is that this job will offer me security, some monetary, but mostly for benefits and social comfort.  The other side is that I will be doing WORK!  I know this sounds silly, but I don't want to WORK!  I want to minister.  I have seen so much to do and even have ideas about ways to do it.  I don't know if I can just turn off my passion and "go to work".  I don't even know if I should.  I am praying, here publicly, that God will just "plop" me where He would like me to be.  I am beginning to seek advice and help in starting a non-profit so that I will be able to accept grants and donations and support to begin what I hope will be a fruitful ministry teaching children character in elementary schools.  It will benefit the children, higher character brings higher success.  It will benefit the schools, but offering these services at little or no cost, the schools will not have to spend money that they could be spending elsewhere.  It will benefit the cities that we teach.  Citizens of good character are of course what will change the world we live in!

I hope to be someone that they know they can come to with problems or needs.  I hope to be a support to the schools.  I hope to change the lives of kids and their families.  I hope to be a Christian out loud.