I don’t quite know where to begin with the story, so maybe I can just lay down some background with facts.
I have been attending The Chapel since 1972. It is my church. I was married here in 1990. My children were each dedicated and baptized here. I have learned, worshipped and served here, all before I was employed here. I am not a church worker, I worked here because it was my church. The Chapel was the place I chose to attend because my family attended here. I stayed because the teaching was from the Bible. Plain and simple truth was good. I trusted those that taught me to be men of God who prayed and sought after Him for wisdom not only in their teachings but also in their lives. I still do. Let me tell you why.
December 2010 my family and I took a vacation to Disney World. We left behind family and parties and gifts to spend time relaxing and enjoying each other. It was the first time ever that we have spent the holidays away. While away, I dreamt. I had a dream each night that I was let go from my position at the church. Each time in my dream, I was calm. I wasn’t worried, scared or betrayed. I was accepting. I told people that God must have somewhere else for me to be. As I woke each morning, I would tell Stosh about my dreams. He would just laugh and say “ya, like they’re really going to get rid of you! You really are dreaming!” Night after night, it happened over and over. After we returned home, I shared my dream with Janice and Rhonda, we all laughed together.
In February Zac came into our office to let us know that the leadership team would have to make cuts. He gently and calmly explained that no position was safe and that the trustees needed to make a few decisions and then we would be able to have more information. Rhonda’s eyes got HUGE and she said “ It’s just like your dream!” I was much less emphatic as I shook my head and smiled. “Yes, I know”.
Over the next month many people weighed in with their opinions of who would go and who would stay. Although almost all of the opinions we heard were that the kids ministry would be “safe” I had in the back of my mind that I DID HAVE A DREAM – over and over. I didn’t ever really feel “safe”. Even though I didn’t feel that my job was secure, I wasn’t worried, scared or concerned. I had already gone through this and it was OK. On Tuesday I got a phone call that I should meet with David Fletcher in the prayer room at 9am on Wednesday. Although there was still a lot of speculation of what the meeting was about, I knew. I tried to prepare myself.
Wednesday morning I woke up with dread. I didn’t want a meeting. I didn’t want to think about it. I didn’t want to get dressed. I didn’t know what to wear even if I did get dressed. CRAP!!! Ok, what does one wear to a meeting like this anyway? So as not to appear too brown nosey, I decided not to wear dress pants. Jeans were not appropriate either, so Dockers would do. Silly how I worried about pants right? It was a coping mechanism I’m sure. I came to the office after dropping the kids off and tried to think of a way to tell Jordan, who was the only one who wasn’t in the office to hear the news on Tuesday that I had “a meeting” with David. He was pretty sure it was for restructuring purposes. I knew it wasn’t.
8:34 – It doesn’t take that long to walk from my office to the prayer room. Sit still.
8:40 – Only 6 minutes??? Are you kidding me?? Why is this taking so long?
8:50 – Only 10 minutes left.
8:59 – Oh no! I had better run, don’t tell anyone you’re leaving, just run. You don’t want them to have to wait for you.
9:00 – Hello (smile, handshakes) “Marie, it’s time for a hard conversation” huuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I really don’t remember the rest of the words. I was red in the face. I was embarrassed. WHY? I don’t know. I was sorry for the men in the room. I was so worried for them because they had to do such hard things. I was shaking. I was doing everything I could do to just stay in the chair and not run away. OK, walk quickly away – we all know I couldn’t run! Then, as we ended, I said something so ridiculous, even in my shocked state I still laughed. I said “thank you!” In an instant I heard what I had just said and laughed. Although it was a truly honest reaction, I wish I had held it in a bit longer. I left the room to go sign papers and process what I had just heard. I knew already, why was I so shocked? As I came out of Susan’s office Zac was waiting for me. He offered me time to chat in his office. He wanted me to know that this was not easy for him. He wanted me to know that he cared about what was happening. I know. I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for them all. Zac walked back with me to the office to tell the rest of our team. He was gracious to share the news with them so that I could take deep breaths and try to compose myself. Why was I crying? I knew it was going to happen. I was prepared. I shared my dream with the team and I said all of the right words. As I said them, I heard them. I prayed later that I would believe them in my heart and not just my head. I told them all that I would be OK. When? Who knows, but someday I would be OK.
Well, as it turns out tonight was when! It’s Sunday night March 6th. I have just returned from Illuminate. Tonight is when I am OK. It took a few days. I woke on Thursday with a nauseous headache. It turned out to be a very sad sad day. As the day went on, my headache got better bit by bit. My sadness left bit by bit as well. Friday morning I woke up to no headache and got ready to go to school and teach character lessons. I had a wonderful day with the kids. A lot of really cool stuff happened and I even got to have lunch with a little boy whose parents are getting divorced. He was VERY talkative. Sounded like he was trying to figure things out too.
Over the weekend, I started to ask questions.
Why me?
What could I have done to be more indispensable?
What could I have done to be more desirable?
I wonder if …
If they really thought I was part of “The Chapel Family” then why?
How could they have?
Why didn’t they just?
I thought Zac was my friend, was he?
Did anyone know how much I worked?
Do I matter to anyone?
All of these questions are honest, but even as I thought them I pushed them out of my mind. I tried to keep focusing on the facts.
I trust my pastors. I had the dreams. I believe I have done a good job. I believe that God is happy with me and would not have allowed this to happen if He didn’t want it to. I love Zac. He is wise, I’ve told people so. The staffing budget has for many years been too big. It has cut into our programming budget. Every year since I started working at The Chapel our budget has been tight tight tight. I knew it was going to happen.
Gail Benn prayed with me that I would start to believe in my heart what I already knew in my head.
Well… tonight it happened. It clicked.
As I sat in Illuminate with Jacob Ley leading us in humility and confession, I found myself confessing. I confessed feeling anger, sadness, pride. I confessed in my heart and in my mind. I opened my heart to God and His grace. I had been clinging onto Him, but I have not been allowing him in. I finally confessed that I had been handling it on my own and my own mind and not allowing Him to heal my heart.
As the service ended, we sang. And these are the words we sang
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm (I began to sob)
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
And as He stands in victory
Sin?s curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life?s first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
?Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand
I will stand, I will stand
All other ground is sinking sand
All other ground, all other ground
Is sinking sand, is sinking sand
So I stand
Then it occurred to me. The very reason that I trust leadership is the reason that I can still trust leadership. They are faithful. Zac didn’t betray me. I wasn’t separated from Zac by this decision. I was joined with him in this decision. God knew that I would doubt so He gave me dreams that this would happen. He assured me that I would be OK. He helped me not to worry because I had already seen that I wasn’t worried or afraid. He was the one that gave me the peace that I was feeling. Of course He was the one that gave Zac the same peace with his decision. I prayed for my leaders’ wisdom in making decisions. I prayed for their strength, stamina and their heavy hearts. I prayed that God would give them the assurance that the decisions they were making were the right ones. HE DID!!! See, since I was told that I would be let go, if I wasn’t then I would know that my leaders did NOT follow God’s leading. But since God set this all up ahead of time, December to be exact, the only way that I would know it was good to trust my leaders is if they chose to let ME go! Did you follow that? What a wonderful thing to know that my trust is confirmed and that what I thought may come between the friend that was my boss would be a blessing that the two of us could share as siblings in Christ. WOOO HOOOO!!!
Thank you God for loving me so much. Thank you for taking me to work with you for the last 8 years. Thank you for the gift of people that you have placed in my life and the lives of my kids. Thank you for drawing Stosh closer to you each day. Thank you for the life you have given us. Now, as we prepare to cope with change, please hold us closely. Shut doors quickly that we should not go through. Push us quickly into the doorways that lead to Your path. Help me get busy quickly and productively. Help me to know that you will be honored and glorified in whatever will be the next station in my life. Protect me from wasting my time wherever I am. God, thank you for Zac. Thank you that he loves you and trusts you and is obedient to you. Thank you that I can trust him. I love you so much. I know you loved me first, you love me most, you love me perfectly and you love me still. Thank you for reassurance in you!
In Jesus Name,
Marie
And as we left the sanctuary we sang again. This is what we sang.
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Now, as I write this I realize that God doesn’t just love me alone, He loves you all too. He loves you enough to give you this display of his love and his protection. He loves you enough to use me and Zac and our amazing story right in front of you so that you too will be able to trust your leadership. You will know that my prayers were answered and so were theirs. You will know that even though there were tough decisions made, God is in control. Be still… KNOW that He is God!
If any of you would like to talk about this, please call me. I think I’ve said it all, but by all means if there is any doubt left in your mind… CALL!
Thank you God! I love you too!!
Thank you Zac, really, no snirkiness this time. Thank You!
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